The no-laugh newsroom returns with a breaking report on a thicc-ass bird. You turd it fear cursed.

John Milhiser and Jess Ross break a scandal about a sexy photo on a computer in Japan.

Brian Huskey and Raph are a father-son news team with issues to work out (on air).

Patrick McDonald and Katie Marovitch try to cancel teeth, but get distracted by their side projects.

Vic Michaelis and Rekha report on a town that deserves rain, and a Wolf Blitzer tongue twister.

Rekha interviews Lauren Lapkus on her winning entrant for the Biggest Hog Contest at the state fair.

Katie and Ele Woods give Daddy Updates & report on what Henry Winkler has been making out to.

Brennan & Tao share auto-erotic tips from the Carfax fox and realize everyone has a cousin Ray.

Jeffrey Self and Grant question the wetness of your shower and the necessity of Lutherans.

Kimia Behpoornia and Brennan go nuts for noods before Tao gives them a marinara serenade.

Chunky Scoop, the bad boy of the group, serves up piping hot news on the newest prescription drugs.

Grant and David Kerns report that only three raisins a day are enough to make you gross.

Stamps Dotcom & Marc Maron report that Russian Space Dog is back, and it thinks it’s better than us.

Carolyn ignores the weather to pitch her screenplay. Raph tells a starchy story about girl's sports.

Trapp & Katie read a riveting report from the office. The team shares their favorite Grant memories.

Lily and Mano reveal that brains don't do anything. Carolyn lists off everything millennials have ever ruined.

Kellen and Zac report on the truth behind hot dogs. Tao warns of a product recall on dildos.

Patrick reveals he's Mrs. Butterworth's loving husband while Lily reports from inside your anus.

Rekha and Becca reveal their actual experiences and opinions. Grant shows off his best impressions.

Brennan, Katie, Carolyn, and Sam explore the real Sam Reich.

Sam, Trapp, Katie, and Brennan get to the bottom of when and how they met.

Katie, Brennan and Carolyn can only watch as Grant goes live with some slam poetry.

Katie, Trapp, Erika and Sam discuss how to survive a bad date, sharks, and being in the wilderness.

Patrick, Lily, and Raph try to make Katie laugh for a thousand dollars.